


A New Beginning

by Willow555



Series: Short Story Challenge [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 15:17:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5631256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willow555/pseuds/Willow555
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of the day my life started over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A New Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> One of my resolutions this year is to start writing more. I need more practice, and I want to devote more time to it. So when I saw the short story challenge it was perfect. The challenge gives you 52 prompts for short stories. You have to write one short story per week. The first prompt is a story titled “A New Beginning”. Writing for me has always been therapy and, although I’m trying to get away from it, it’s so easy to write what I know. Christmas marks one year since I last cut myself. And that’s a pretty big deal. Something I haven’t completely processed yet, so when I thought about what this first story should be- it came very easily that it should be when my life started over. Under the break is the mostly true story of where I was a year and a half ago. Trigger warnings for graphic descriptions of self-harm and attempted suicide.

_The park was just about deserted. Perfect. That was just the way I wanted it. Not that anybody could give me trouble about anything at this point, but I’m still a child care worker. The last thing I want is to put some kid on the path I’m going down. I sighed, almost wishing I had another choice- but I knew I didn’t. I got out of my car and went to the trunk to grab my blanket and the junk food I had bought. Hey, if you’re gonna die you might as well do it with chocolate on your lips right? I looked around. I knew the spot that I wanted, but it was far too open. I could at least visit it though. I went to the old Willow and sat down. One last time I’d sit beneath its branches and gather strength from its roots. I ate my little picnic of chocolate bars and then listened to the river for a time. It was calming, as it always was. It helped to strengthen my resolve. I took a breath, got up, and started looking for a spot that was secluded enough to do what I had planned. I finally found a spot that would work. It was still by the river, which I liked, but off the trail, and tucked in behind some trees, so that nobody would be able to see me unless they knew where to look. I laid out my blanket as close to the riverbank as I dared and then lay down. Taking out my phone I made sure that I had 9-1-1 typed in and just ready to call. I wasn’t planning on calling them soon enough to save me, but I also didn’t want to be sitting here rotting for a long time. That would hurt people more than necessary. With that ready I reached into my other pocket and pulled out my blade. This was it. I took one last look at the river, then I started. At first I went quick, not trying to cut deeply, but just to get myself used to the pain. It only took a few cuts, and the blood started flowing and I could feel the numbing chemicals rushing through my brain. ‘Okay,’ I said to the open air around me. 'Here goes nothing.’ With that I started cutting in earnest. I’d slowly drag the blade through my flesh in one direction, and then again, putting even more pressure. Once I couldn’t handle that spot anymore, I’d switch, going from vertical lines down the vein, to horizontal, making the cross-points even deeper. Soon my blanket was stained, but I wasn’t feeling anything significant. It hurt like a bitch, but there wasn’t any fuzzy feeling, no light-headedness, nothing to indicate that I was in an danger. So, leaving my one arm to bleed as much as it could, I switched to the other. I repeated the same pattern. I realized that by the time I had finished on the opposite arm the cuts I had started with were already clotted. DAMNIT! I couldn’t even do this right. And I was in too much pain to go on. At that point, I gave up. I laid there in the park, backing out of the readied call on my phone and cried. I cried harder than I ever had, silently. So that nobody would hear. Or notice. I cried until there was nothing left. No pain, no anger, no weakness. I felt nothing at all. I cleaned up as best I could, picked up my blanket and went back to my car. I kept a first aid kit in the glove box so I used that to treat my wounds. I didn’t even feel ashamed of what I had done. Even though I knew I should. There was just, nothingness. I went home and went straight to bed. Lifting the covers over my head I hoped that the nothingness would simply consume me in my sleep…_

“Ellie? Ellie are you okay?”

Ellie heard her mother call from upstairs, breaking her out of her memory of the previous day. She wished that it had worked. She wished that she had been able to follow though. But she couldn’t even handle enough of the pain to make it end. She was so weak.

“I’m fine.” Ellie called back. “Just trying to die, don’t worry about me.” she continued under her breath.

Ellie had been laying in her room all morning. Actually, she hadn’t moved an inch since she had gone to bed early the evening prior. She was actually kind of impressed at how much control she had over her body when she no longer cared about it. Ellie wished that she would just waste away, but quite honestly, she was getting bored. She didn’t know what to do anymore. She hated herself. She had so much she knew she should be grateful for. So much more than a lot of people had, but that didn’t matter. Or, it mattered too much. She couldn’t tell which anymore. All she knew was that she would happily give it all up if it meant that she no longer had to deal with the pain.

Ellie laid there for hours. Losing all track of time. Until finally she couldn’t take it anymore. She didn’t know what she was going to do, but she understood that her options were limited. She knew that she wasn’t going to be able to go through with a permanent solution so she’d have to make the best of what she had.

Sighing and rolling out of bed, Ellie was (for the first time in her life) grateful for the fact that she could no longer feel anything. This was going to be a very difficult phone call as it was and at least if she was a zombie she wouldn’t have to worry about crying though it. With that thought Ellie decided that if she couldn’t be an angel she’d start off being a robot. Maybe, just maybe, someday she’d get that movie ending and become human. But first, a new beginning. Ellie dialed the number and waited.

“Mobile Crisis Unit, can I have your name please?”


End file.
